Twelve Bad, Bad Motherfuckers: The Truth about Chameleons

363_570126834248_8278_n copy 3Chameleons are the most pimpest, most nastiest straight boss daddy hustlers. Goddamnit boy, everybody knows that. Yeah they change colors boy and yes they do smack down insects like they’re their bitches. Goddamnit boy come on now. Yes their mitts do mean business, boy; real power in those clamps, boy, everybody knows that. Some of the motherfuckers got horns, yo; some of the motherfuckers got three horns, and some of the motherfuckers got crowns, player. Yeah their tails are strong, boy. Prehensile I tell you, strong like a monkey. Those Goddamn tails got Goddamn minds of their own, Goddamnit. And those crazy eyes, boy, everybody knows chameleons got those crazy eyes. You think you can just sneak up on a chameleon, boy? Boy, are you stupid? Those motherfuckers know you’re coming before even you know you’re coming. Goddamnit boy, you must be stupid. Boy, you can’t even deny it chameleons are king, player. That kingship reigns with twelve thrones. Goddamnit boy, everybody knows that. You think every chameleon is a king? Goddamnit boy, there are mad chameleons out there, not every one of them sits on a throne. Come on, boy. Some chameleons are Dukes. Some chameleons are Bishops, some motherfuckers are Barons, and some motherfuckers are Earls. Come on boy, what are you stupid? Twelve thrones yo, twelve crowns, and twelve bad, bad motherfuckers.

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 The Crown of Archaius

Seychelles Tiger Chameleon, (Archaius tigris)

The Seychelles tiger chameleon is so, so bad he’s the only motherfucker of his genus, and so, so hated on he’s straight up endangered, yo. Motherfucker is so rare you can only find his ass on the Seychelles Islands. That’s real, real nice like, fit for a king and he rules those islands with a mittened fist–that’s pretty cool.

Tigerchamäleon (Calumma tigris)Fond Ferdinand, Praslin

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 The Crown of Bradypodion

Cape Dwarf Chameleon, (Bradypodion pumilum)

They don’t call the Cape dwarf chameleon Cape dwarf chameleon for no reason, fool. First of all, Cape dwarf chameleons are chameleons, idiot; two: Cape dwarf chameleons are pretty Goddamn small, and three: Cape dwarf Chameleons are endemic to the Western Cape province of South Africa, idiot. They may be small but they don’t play, so don’t get it twisted. For real, don’t ever hold those motherfuckers, they’re mad delicate. Your bitch-ass won’t be able to find one in a pet store because, one: they got a throne to watch and, two: owning one requires special permission from the government of South Africa, son. Goddamnit boy, everybody knows that.


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The Crown of Brookesia

Brookesia Micra, (Brookesia micra)

I got to keep it real yo, Brookesia are mad small yo, and B. micra are no exception. As you can see from his selfie, he’s little enough to sit on the head of a matchstick and in fact, he’s the tiniest species of chameleon yet known. But don’t ever count him short, boy, he’s not ashamed of being little and that matchstick is his motherfucking throne. Discovered just two years ago in the forests of Madagascar, many believe more Brookesia are out there yet to be discovered. And considering how tiny Brookesia are and how insanely bio-diverse Madagascar is, and considering that the motherfuckers spend most of their time chilling on leaf litter on dense forest floors, the possibility for more Brookesia to exist is a strong one. Commonly known by as “leaf chameleons”, B. Micra as well as other Brookesia blend in perfect with their environment. Take notes, you fool.

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The Crown of Calumma

Parson’s Chameleon, (Calumma parsonii)

This motherfucker is straight up as bad as bad so don’t ever test that grip, son, you can’t handle it. Parson’s chameleons sometimes grow as large as housecats and that grip is for real yo, I can’t warn you enough. But all in all, they’re really pretty tame. Parson’s are among the most popular chameleons in the pet trade, and come in fantastic color variations to boot.


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The Crown of Chamaeleo

Veiled Chameleon, (Chamaeleo calyptatus)

In the pet trade, veiled chameleons are the standard. Almost all chameleons in the pet trade are veileds, which is perfectly good and fine because veileds are pretty goddamn perfect. I call all veileds Cliff O’Malley because that’s what I’d named my own veiled chameleon, the very first chameleon I ever owned as well as the very best chameleon I’ve ever owned and thankfully, still own today. Cliff O’Malleys err, veiled chameleons I mean, are the best chameleons out there in my opinion, and I’ve owned and cared for many different chameleons in my time. And although anyone may possibly tell you different, at the end of the day those motherfuckers are just plain fucking wrong. Cliff O’Malleys are the best chameleon. End of story.


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 The Crown of Furcifer

Panther chameleon, (Furcifer pardalis)

Panthers are some real fancyass motherfuckers. Mad expensive, mainly because of their amazing color variants, with some showing vibrant blues, others rich reds, hot pinks, impressive greens, yellows, and sometimes orange. They’re all pretty nice but again they’re all mad expensive. Personally I say go with Cliff O’Malleys but you probably already knew that.


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 The Crown of Kinyongia

Fischer’s chameleon, (Kinyongia fischeri)

This motherfucker is one uglyass, inbred, drooling king if you ask me, but apparently many disagree. He’s cool so they say because he’s got some horn to him, but it looks more like a tumor I think. The queen though lacks that horn, which makes her look I think a little bit better but not by much.


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The Crown of Nadzikambia

Mount Mabu Chameleon, (Nadzikambia baylissi)

This king is a strange motherfucker. Not much is yet known about the Mount Mabu chameleon as it only was discovered recently and lives high up on mountains of the most rural stretches of Southeast Africa. But he still is a king, be he well understood or not. And to be honest I really don’t know much about the motherfucker and have neither the time nor resources to learn up on him correctly. But from this picture I’ll assume he’s nocturnal, although he may well not be. And his skin is mad, mad weird, seems very thin, almost flaky and reminds me of a crested gecko. He’s one strange-ass king chameleon, yo.


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The Crown of Palleon

Elongate Leaf Chameleon, (Palleon nasus)

Another Madagascan chameleon, the elongate leaf chameleon seems much like Brookesia in appearance and historically they were misclassified as being such. As with many of Madagascar’s chameleons, P. nasus is now a threatened species due in large part to human activity, namely logging, mining, and slash-and-burn agriculture.


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The Crown of Rieppeleon

Bearded Pygmy Chameleon, (Rieppeleon brevicaudatus)

Call him pygmy or dwarf if you dare, he truly doesn’t give a fuck what you think. He’s just far too high above you, though actually almost literally below you should you ever be in his kingdom. He’s predominantly a terrestrial chameleon, opting to climb small bushes or plants if anything. As king of a pretty small genus, he rules only just two other species. Of the three Rieppeleon, he’s the easiest one to recognize due to a small bump of flesh located underneath his chin, from which the common name of “bearded pygmy” is derived.


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The Crown of Rhampholeon

Spectral Pygmy Chameleon, (Rhampholeon spectrum)

This little king looks as once again very much the same as his contemporaries. Spectral pygmies are visually distinguishable mostly just by their skin, which is tannish-grey and patterned. As with all little chameleons, Spectral pygmies are natural born players, pimps, bosses, and hustlers.


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The Crown of Trioceros

Jackson’s Chameleon, (Trioceros jacksonii)

The final chameleon king is one bad, bad motherfucker indeed, the Jackson’s chameleon. Straight out the Magic School Bus it’s the same Goddamn lizard. Donning three nasty horns with which to protect his throne, this king looks as like a miniature modern-day triceratops. He’s a total ladies man, natural jouster, and big-time brawler. Cliff O’Malley aside, he’s the coolest chameleon on the tree. He’s the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas, and the top banana. He’s so bad he made Leroy Brown ditch town. He’s a lean, mean chameleon king.



7 thoughts on “Twelve Bad, Bad Motherfuckers: The Truth about Chameleons

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  4. Hey cliff, I made a list of chameleons when I was little, but yours is way better. Nice work I see you’ve been doing your homework

  5. Haha I found this because I was showing someone Parson’s chameleons on Google Images, and I see a photo of me holding a Parson’s on a website I didn’t recognize. And there I am! Holding a Parson’s named Padre.

    Awesome article, I shared it to all my chameleon-loving friends and FB groups. Hillarious!

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