What is BigFoot?

BigFoot is a North American cryptid which seems to enroot in Native American folklore. Even so, most invasive Americans had no knowledge of BigFoot until the 20th century. Since the 20th century, many sightings have accumulated with strong concentrations in specific geographic regions, most famously the pacific Northwestern United States. However, BigFoot is reported to be found just about everywhere in the continental United States; in recent years, new hot spots have emerged in the Southeast and around the Great Lakes. People who have seen BigFoot say that he is ape-like, hairy, and huge, with an upright gait. He is most frequently found in the woods, but sometimes he finds way into suburban backyards in the dead of night. Oftentimes he is reported to smell terrible––just like rotten eggs. So, what is he? Some speculate that BigFoot indicates a missing link in human evolution. Experts discount this theory, however. Experts resolve to skepticism over BigFoot’s existence because a population of BigFoots cannot persist in secrecy, as that just seems infeasible. So, what gives?

Bigfoot is a large species of bipedal primate from a distant planet who winds up on Earth from time to time. God brings a BigFoot to the Earth every now and again, in order to fuck with humanity. BigFoot is either transported to the Earth via teleportation portals, or he is dropped off on the Earth by spacecraft. The former seems far more likely, even though the technology may seem incalculable to the human mind. Every time BigFoot comes to the Earth it’s just for a sojourn. He does not stay for very long. His only mission is to find someone in the woods, present himself, and then leave. God and BigFoot probably have a special bond.

BigFoot must be fairly intelligent. Probably much smarter than a dog but dumber than a dolphin. His sister species on the Earth might as well be the extinct hominid, Gigantopithecus, which once roamed throughout Southeast Asia, until likely taken out by smaller but smarter hominids, such as the Homo erectus.

Should you ever encounter a Bigfoot, be sure to keep your mind above your nerves; whip out that cell phone and snap a picture. For man’s sake, prove the day.

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